


Ich liebe dich, Zirkus-Mann...

by TheHoardingPuffin



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: (well I didn't touch on Molly's feelings much so I'll tag it as one-sided for now), Gen, I Made Myself Cry, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, Mollymauk Tealeaf Dies, One-Sided Attraction, Pining, Sad Caleb Widogast
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-23
Updated: 2019-11-23
Packaged: 2021-02-25 08:48:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21534991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheHoardingPuffin/pseuds/TheHoardingPuffin
Summary: The first time he sees Mollymauk, it's not much more than a brief glimpse over his shoulder, but it is enough.OR:Caleb falls in love with Mollymauk.
Relationships: Caduceus Clay & Caleb Widogast, Mollymauk Tealeaf/Caleb Widogast, The Mighty Nein & Caleb Widogast
Comments: 5
Kudos: 34





	Ich liebe dich, Zirkus-Mann...

**Author's Note:**

> Hey there! Here's a quick warning: This piece is emotional and deals with loss and with Mollymauk's death. It's not a happy piece. I cried so much writing this... so yes... just be warned. Also even though I tagged this as "Caleb/Molly", it is more like a "Caleb&Molly" because... well... some things are left unsaid. I just felt like... the Slash Tag seemed better because the And Tag isn't usually associated with pining but more with friendship-y themes... I am to tired to think, I hope this makes sense. Also, this takes place in the time from Episode One to give-or-take Episode 30, 31 or a bit after that.  
> Okay, let's go!

The first time he sees Mollymauk, it’s not much more than a brief glimpse over his shoulder in that tavern in Wildemount; the matte shine of dark red velvet – a coat, heavily embroidered and beaded – and glowing red eyes in a smooth lavender face with peackock feather tattoos on one side. It’s too short of a look to learn, or deduce, much from the flamboyant tiefling’s appearance, but it is enough to notice that he is beautiful. Caleb’s ears turn warm and red and he looks the other way.

He gets a much better look at Mollymauk – he won’t allow himself to call him Molly, they aren’t really friends, and Mollymauk said _Molly for my friends_ – when they go to the circus. Multi-coloured lanterns bathe the tiefling in rainbow light as he greets them all. He has a wide smile and his fangs are glistening when he talks. Now, up close, Caleb sees all the faint scars on Mollymauk’s chest and arms… they have a silver sheen to them, which is bizarre… and Caleb wonders what happened, why does this shiny glittering circus man have so many cuts, scars?

Things… happen… and Caleb is unsure what to think about it all. There _is_ safety in numbers, but his new companions are not quite the people he had hoped for when he said to look for a group. Beauregard is rude and rough and loud, and Jester is also loud, and a bit annoying sometimes, even though she is nicer than Beauregard… but she is so _shrill_ all the time, and asks questions Caleb isn’t ready to answer.

Fjord and Yasha are nice, they don’t talk as much and they don’t ask uncomfortable questions… and he is used to Nott already, and has learned to live with her and her habits, so he doesn’t mind her… he likes her after all…

And then, finally, there is Mollymauk. Him, Caleb finds irritating, but in a completely different way than the others. Mollymauk is so… he… he is dishonest and brutally honest at the same time, he is… his looks are louder than _he_ is, he has a pleasant voice but a confusing personality… Caleb is unsure what to think about him. He knows so little of this man… but he knows that, in some strange way he cannot fully grasp, he is drawn to him.

For one as smart as Caleb, it takes him quite the while to realize what is happening to him, to realize just what he feels for Mollymauk Tealeaf, the tattooed sparkling disaster tiefling. It scared him. Nothing good comes of… love. Not for him. Not for Caleb… not for Bren. He has made that experience before, and he doesn’t what it to happen again. So he keeps quiet and limits himself to secret thoughts and dreams and the occasional stare when he can be sure that Mollymauk doesn’t notice. Safety in secrecy.

When Mollymauk find his sudden end, it tears Caleb’s soul apart and shatters his heart. It is a cruel twist of fate, a brutal mood of destiny, and it hurts him in more ways than he could ever express, in none of the languages he knows. Tears sting in his eyes and freeze on his face in the cold air, and his insides are filled with angry fire. He is sure that if he opened his mouth too wide, smoke and flames will curl out between his lips and teeth. He want to get revenge – a new, foreign feeling. He does want to get back on those who wronged him, who broke him in his past, true, but… this is different. He’s had things to tell Mollymauk, confessions to make, experiences to gather, and not just him, no – _all of them did!_

It isn’t right, it isn’t fair, and it is gut-wrenching. He can’t think of what Yasha will feel once she hears what happened… if she is still alive at all… oh, and Jester… Fjord…

They bury Mollymauk in the cold winter ground and leave behind his coat. The tarot cards in Beauregard’s pocket and the words she speaks for Mollymauk – she is crying, Caleb has never seen Beauregard cry – weigh heavily and the weight almost crushes Caleb. It crushes them all.

They drink to him, a last salute.

“Long may he reign”, they say.

“Shine bright, circus man”, Caleb manages to whisper. The words barely get out of his mouth and he is shaking.

That night, he doesn’t find sleep. He cries and prays even though he is not a religious man. He begs that fate will turn, that somehow, when the morning comes, the grave will be gone and Mollymauk… Molly… will be back amongst them. He has returned from the dead before, and Caleb prays against better reasoning, prays even though he knows it’s no use, that he will do it again.

He doesn’t.

Caleb swears that no such thing will happen to them again.

Caduceus Clay… he is someone Caleb doesn’t understand. He is not sure about him. The firbolg man is so _weltfremd_ – he doesn’t know how the world works, he is naïve somehow… when they free Jester, Yasha and Fjord, he says something Caleb interprets as this very same nativity at first, and he gets angry and almost wants to strangle him for it.

“This is pretty good, from a certain perspective, if you think about it…”

How is this… how can this be good? How? It takes days for Caleb to forgive and understand what Caduceus said and meant. He didn’t mean that one of their own died was good. He meant that the others didn’t. Caleb is sorry and a bit afraid of himself too – he was so ready to strangle Caduceus, for no reason at all in the end, and it isn’t like him. Caleb is no violent man at all. Bren used to be, on occasion… Caleb refuses to think about it.

“I think he’s still here with us”, Jester says at the grave, and Beauregard agrees. Caleb remains silent. He doesn't’ like the thought of Molly’s ghost hanging between life and afterlife, unable to go to either side. He wants him here fully or not at all.

Jester draws a card from the tarot deck. Caleb picks up Nott and they watch from a distance. Tears burn in Caleb’s eyes and make his vision turn blurry. His lips taste of salt and tremble as he suppresses his sobs. He fails at it when Yasha joins them.

“He tried, he tried to get to your side, he tried so hard-“ He cannot speak further, his heart clenches, he almost chokes on a sob, has to turn away for a second.

Caduceus gives Molly something from the Wildmother , and after a few days, Caleb can appreciate it. The earth will remember. Something is gonna be here. Caleb will remember too. Not just because he is unable to forget things, but because he has to, needs to. He will never allow himself to not remember Molly. Even if he loses his mind and soul and everything, he will still remember Molly.

“Come, everyone”, he whispers. “Molly wanted us to keep living.”

He never got to tell Mollymauk what he truly thought and felt, and he will forever regret it.

Life goes on, even though it is painful. Caleb misses Mollymauk every day, but it gets… easier. Somehow. Slowly. There certainly is enough distraction provided. Only at night he is alone with his thoughts, at that is when the old wound opens up and bleeds and hurts again.

One night, he dreams of Mollymauk, covered in blood, bones broken, chest pierced, red eyes never shut. He wakes with tear-crusted eyes and a hoarse whimper-cry on his lips, a name, shouted out into the night air.

When he calms and becomes aware of his surroundings again, he sees Caduceus sit by their little fire, keeping watch.

“A bad dream?”, the calm-natured man asks softly. Caleb nods. Caduceus motions for him to come closer and to sit by his side, and Caleb complies.

“How may I relieve your pain?”, Caduceus asks, and Caleb is surprised to hear this little call-back to when they first met. A small smile creeps onto his face… but…

“I wouldn’t want to bother you with my… my nightly terrors.”

“I want to help though”, Caduceus says softly. “I am a good listener.”

It is a little embarrassing, but Caleb tells him. He tells him everything. He empties out his hurting heart, speaks of Mollymauk Tealeaf and what he felt – feels – for the man. He starts crying again, and probably falls asleep in the midst of it; he wakes up in Caduceus arms, his eyes crusted with new tears, but his heart feels a lot lighter, he feels a lot calmer that before, and suddenly he feels like he might be able to deal with his feelings. He doesn’t have to be in pain anymore. He is ready to move on. Slowly, step by step, at his own pace, but… move on. Move forward.

Mollymauk wanted them to keep living.

**Author's Note:**

> Hey. So. I have so many emotions about Critical Role. I have a lot of feelings about Mollymauk. Let me just say... I watched Molly's last moments again to write this. I cried harder than the first time around. Caleb's pain in this piece is largely my own pain (except that I am not in love with Molly but... ya know...) I adore Caduceus, don't get me wrong - in fact, he his my all-time-favourite Chritical Role Character. Even before Caleb and Molly and Vax. I LOVE Caduceus. BUT! I miss Molly, I miss him so much, and now I am crying again...   
> I hope you liked this a bit. If you cried, I am sorry, but also... so did I so there.   
> Wow. That came out in an asshole way I didn't want it to. Sorry.  
> I am so emotionally exhausted right now so... Imma end this here. I would appreciate feedback if you want to give it.   
> Love ya!


End file.
